“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
— Steven Wright“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
— Steven Wright“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
— Steven Wright“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”
— Steven Wright“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
— Steven Wright“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”
— Steven Wright“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
— Steven Wright“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”
— Steven Wright“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
— Steven WrightThere’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
— Steven Wright